16.07.25
Arrangements to be made. Trips. Re-encounters. This has been a year of re-encounters. Am I going back home after almost five years? That was one of my resolutions for 2025, but things haven't worked out. Things take time and money and planning, and that particular thing requires more of those three and I simply haven't be able to do so. But now there's an opening: being back home in November-December. But things have to be arranged. I have things going on in here and I can't simply leave them behind. I have commitments. But I do want to go back home and visit, and see how things have changed since 2021... even, since 2020 because that year I didn't see much after everything closed. I want to see some of my family who's still back there (maybe they'll all be back by then?). I want to see places. I want to see friends who are still back there (maybe some of them will be back as well?). I want to eat things I haven't eaten since I left. But, quite honestly, most importantly, I want to have the possibility of visiting her. I want to do what I almost never did when we were together. Put somewhat differently: If I go back home, I don't want to not visit her. I knew that already when, in late 2024, I told myself (and her) that one of my resolutions for the new year was to go back home at some point. Now, at this point, I want that even more strongly. But for what? L told me that she understands but asked me if I wanted to be with her or, also, be with her. I'm in such a strange state of mind (Befindlichkeit?). I want to see her again. To spend time with her again. To let myself go with her? I don't know! She's the love of my life. We all know that at this point. And that's why I just want to see her and spend time with her. There are things that I feel like I should not do (let myself go)... because of fear of egotism and harming her and all that. But without a doubt, I want to see her. I wish I could see her more often. Who knows how that would be. For all I know, that would lead me (us?) to get used to one another and everything would pass (after so long?). But it could be the opposite and all these feelings, and all this existence, and all this history would not dissipate, but become stronger in a new reality and concreteness. But that is probably never going to happen. And that's okay (the saddest of okays). The point is... I would like to see her again and, if I go back home, I need to make sure that I can see her again.