14.07.25

I want to be like Ten and the Meta-Crisis Doctor, or like Coop and Dougie. In both occasions, the main character (Ten, Coop) had the opportunity to leave essentially a clone of himself with a loved one (Rose, Janey-E) while he went on to do what he had to do. I want to divide myself in that way and leave a versión of me with her and another with L. What is different in my case is that both Ten and Coop left their other (secondary) version with whom they wanted to be, while they went on to do what they needed to do. In my case, I want me to go with her and for once experience what it is like to be in each others everyday, concrete life. I want my other (secondary) version to stay here with L... and not because I don't want to be with L (I do), but because I feel like I really, really want to have that opportunity and life with whom I have never had that possibility. With her. I feel like things are finally slowly settling, but that's from my side. I really, really worry I'm being immensely egotistic and harmful by deciding to keep in touch with her while not trully being with her. She said that a life without me is more painful than one with me. How true is that? I'm sure it is true for her, that it feels true. I would've said the same in the past. I might say the same even now. But I can't help but feel like this way of proceeding may end up harming her more in the long run. Maybe I managed to move on (in this incomplete, weird way in which I moved on) partly because she wasn't around (in the broadest of senses). Partly because all that was left of her was her absence. (But probably also because I thought... I was sure she had moved on even before we stopped being in touch). What if what she needs to move on, and find a way towards what she want, is for me to be absent?

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