12.07.25
Drunkenness. Is this drunkenness? Yesterday was one of the most chaotic, challenging, and disorienting days I have ever had. I felt so out of control. I felt so lost. I felt (I still feel) like a part of me stayed back in Prague. I couldn’t stop talking about it. I should have stopped talking about it. Somehow, I managed to stop talking about it by talking to her. And then… and then we just started to let ourselves go. We still are. I wasn’t sure about telling her about how I felt. But I really needed to tell her. I was worried it would be painful (for both of us) and damaging in the long run. I still am. But I had to tell her that I was feeling like this. And in the weirdest of ways, getting deeper into all this somehow makes me feel a bit more in control, a bit less lost, a bit less disoriented. I can almost behave as if I’m finally back in normal life. But I am not. I want to keep going deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. But I fully know that this has to stop at some point. This cannot go on like this forever. In Prague, at some point, she said that we could just go back to normal after a few days of essentially being a couple. (L suggested it as well). She said that we are good at pretending that everything is normal. But are we? It seems like, given how we are behaving and getting drunk right now, we cannot simply pretend that everything is normal. I remember there being occasions, back in 2010 and 2011, when I felt that our relationship had taken a turn and that it would never go back to how it was before those turns (e.g., it was raining a lot, it was April, we were in that park under her umbrella). Now I feel like this is one of those occasions. The thing is that, while we may not be able to go back to ‘normal’, we cannot continue as we did in 2010 and 2011.
What are the most egotistic thoughts I'm having? I honestly don't know. I think I'm fairly in control in that regard. But I can't help but wish she had gotten in touch with me in 2016 (maybe when she saw me at Deafheaven) or 2017. I would have been back for her without a doubt. But it is egotistic to wish that because I know she was going through hell at that time. I can't help either to wish she responded to my email when I sent it in 2022. I feel awful thinking this, but maybe if she had done that at the time, the ensuing confusion would have kept me from dating L. I don't think dating L is a mistake; it is the opposite of a mistake. But right now, a part of me that I find really problematic, the one that got stuck in 2013-2015, wants to have the freedom to take a flight to Prague and be with her. I'm not sure if those thoughts are egotistic as such. But they are truly awful regardless.