11.07.25
Yes, I definitely feel like I've woken up from a dream. But not any dream. I kind of feel like how I felt after waking up on the morning of last year's 3rd of December. The night before that morning, I dreamt we were exploring a building in London together (I think in the dream it was meant to be the Royal Albert Hall, but I wouldn't know because I've never been to the Royal Albert Hall). It was the first time in who knows how long that I had a dream with her, with actually her, in it. For a decade, more than a decade, I've been dreaming with her, but mostly with her absence. That time I dreamt with her presence. And it felt both intoxicating and confusing. I remember waking up in the haziest of hazes... and when the haze cleared up, all that was left were feelings and questions. "Do I still love her?". "What does this mean?". "Why do I want to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk to her?". "I thought I was over this! I thought I was over her!". "Does she feel like this as well?". "It's all just past lives". It all felt so intense and confusing. December and January were really intense and confusing times. Now I feel like that again, but on steroids. I think yesterday's haze is gone. I finally feel like I'm awake from the dream that was seeing her, being with her in Prague. And now only feelings remain. Feelings of love, of need, of melancholy, of sadness, of regret, of joy, of happiness, of so much love. Confusing feelings. Problematic feelings. Yesterday, I couldn't even keep myself from texting her. I really needed to read her words. I realised that for the longest of times (a bit less than 10 years essentially… hardly "the longest of times", but oh well) I've felt incomplete. Without even fully noticing it (maybe having become habituated to it?), there was something missing in my life, in me. And now that she's back in my life, I feel complete again. I feel like what was missing is finally there. She was missing. She was absent. But now, after the dream that was those days, that completeness feels... off? I want to go back to the night we spent talking until I fell asleep. I want to relive that night over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I want to have her by my side. I want to feel the warmth of her body next to mine. I want to hold her hand while I listen to her voice. I want to be able to turn my head and see her. I want to feel like I can kiss her. I want to kiss her. I want to talk, and talk, and talk endlessly... I want her to tell me every single detail of her life in the last 10 years, and I want to tell her every single detail of my life in the last 10 years... all that while we hold hands in my hotel room bed. (This morning, I had the weirdest experience: I woke up violently and, in the confusion, I thought she was next to me just like she was that night while also knowing it wasn't her). But, in a weirdly contradictory way, I want all that only in the context of that night, of that day, of that dream. Because that's part of the point: it was a dream and now I'm awake. The truth is that, in the end, I will always love her and I will always want everything with her. But now I know better and I'm fully aware of the limitations, difficulties, risks, contradictions, and even impossibilities of that desire. This all feels like needing to let go of what (and who) I thought I had already let go.