10.07.25
I feel nauseous. I feel physically nauseous. Maybe it's because of the physical imbalance (lack of sleep etc.). But maybe it's because, despite how sure I was of the opposite, I wasn't fully mentally and emotionally ready for all this. I thought I was. I really, really thought I was. I felt sure about that up until the very last second when we said goodbye to each other. I even felt sure about that after saying goodbye, while travelling back home. I knew there had to be a moment for some kind of emotional decompression. I wanted my last-scene-of-Past-Lives moment and that's it. I had moved on years ago. So why do I feel like this? Why am I crying and trying to hold back a waterfall of tears while writing these words? A part of me thinks it's only natural. The last 3 days and a bit were so emotionally intense that it was to be expected that I would be a wreck afterwards. Again, need for emotional decompression and all that. But another part of me can't help but feel like I'm not through. That maybe I (we) opened a door that was meant to stay closed.
In the end, rewatching the last scene from Past Lives made me cry like I hadn't cry in years. But maybe this emotional explosion is what I need to fully wake up from this dream.