14.08.25
I'm having ambivalent feelings about having given up in 2015. I feel such deep regret for having not been able to continue, for lacking the strength and resilience, for telling her that I couldn’t do it anymore, for telling her that it wasn’t worth it, for telling her that she wasn’t worth it. I keep thinking that I want to go back to 2014, but right now I just want to go back to 2015 and continue, and be with her, and try to come out of it all together. I feel deep regret. But at the same time I feel deep compassion and empathy for my 2015 self. I somewhat remember feeling like I was carrying the whole world on my shoulders. I remember not being able to think straight. I remember feeling miserable. I remember feeling like I couldn’t handle it anymore. I remember not being able to trust her. I remember thinking that she clearly was with somebody else, that she didn’t love me anymore. I remember feeling completely disoriented. I can even vaguely remember thinking that the whole situation wasn’t worth such suffering. It’s not that she wasn’t worth it. I’m sure I thought like that at the time. But I was mistaken. Not only in the sense that I didn’t know at the time what I know now. It is more that I couldn’t separate the whole situation, the relationship, from how I saw her. And that was a mistake. But that’s the thing, right? I feel both regret for having given up and understanding for why I gave up, even understanding of why I couldn’t have done anything else but give up. I guess this is another case in which I feel torn, pulled apart by reality and ideality.